| 1 | Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Introduction | The Onion | |
| 2 | A Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity | The Onion | |
| 3 | A Cop Kills His Own Partner and Vows to Track Himself Down | The Onion | |
| 4 | NASA Is Baffled by the Failure of Its Straw Shuttle | The Onion | |
| 5 | Clinton Has Been Seduced by a Suave International Diamond Thief | The Onion | |
| 6 | An Area Bassist Is Felated | The Onion | |
| 7 | High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships | The Onion | |
| 8 | The Amish Give Up | The Onion | |
| 9 | A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates an Area Ant Community | The Onion | |
| 10 | I Believe the Robots Are Our Future | The Onion | |
| 11 | A Family of Four Has Been Rescued From a Burning House by a Homosexual | The Onion | |
| 12 | Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants | The Onion | |
| 13 | The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut Butter | The Onion | |
| 14 | Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop the Washington Monument | The Onion | |
| 15 | Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta to the Ground | The Onion | |
| 16 | Jesus Christ Has Hired an Associate Christ | The Onion | |
| 17 | A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong | The Onion | |
| 18 | Taco Bell Launches the New Morning-After Burrito | The Onion | |
| 19 | A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped by a Grizzly Bear | The Onion | |
| 20 | The Jews Have Been Ordered Back to Egypt for Pyramid Duty | The Onion | |
| 21 | Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia | The Onion | |
| 22 | Those Motherfucking Robins Are on Thin Ice With Me | The Onion | |
| 23 | Nine People Are Drawn and Quartered at an Out-Of-Hand Rennaissance Fair | The Onion | |
| 24 | Neighbors Remember a Serial Killer as a Serial Killer | The Onion | |
| 25 | Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts | The Onion | |
| 26 | Teachers Are Apalled by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes | The Onion | |
| 27 | Mother Theresa Has Been Sent to Hell in a Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up | The Onion | |
| 28 | A Buck-Naked Man Stresses the Importance of Proper Schooling | The Onion | |
| 29 | Ants Demand a 23.9 Hour Work Day | The Onion | |
| 30 | President Clinton Is Written Up by His "Total Bitch" Supervisor | The Onion | |
| 31 | Congress Has Approved the Americans With No Abilities Act | The Onion | |
| 32 | A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow | The Onion | |
| 33 | The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called for the Tragic Death of Barbara Striesand | The Onion | |
| 34 | Hitler Was Wrong! | The Onion | |
| 35 | McDonald's Unveils a New All-Beef Bun | The Onion | |
| 36 | The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off | The Onion | |
| 37 | Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical | The Onion | |
| 38 | A New Cereal for the Poor Stays Crunchy in Water | The Onion | |
| 39 | A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain | The Onion | |
| 40 | The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal | The Onion | |
| 41 | Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into the Forest | The Onion | |
| 42 | A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is at Death's Door | The Onion | |
| 43 | Richard Simmons Is Fighting for His Life in an Estrogen Tent | The Onion | |
| 44 | A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page in the High School Yearbook | The Onion | |
| 45 | The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns to Penmanship | The Onion | |
| 46 | I Am a Bad Ass | The Onion | |
| 47 | Quincy Suspects Murder | The Onion | |
| 48 | Jews Are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something | The Onion | |
| 49 | Bourbon Helps an Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting for a While | The Onion | |
| 50 | White Castle Plundered by Turks | The Onion | |
| 51 | Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested on Every Known Animal | The Onion | |
| 52 | Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich | The Onion | |
| 53 | A Family Dog Is Suspected in a Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster | The Onion | |
| 54 | An Utter Failure Plans to Spend the Rest of the Day in Bed | The Onion | |
| 55 | Congress Has Lowered the Killing Age to Nineteen | The Onion | |
| 56 | Scandal in the Special Olympics | The Onion | |
| 57 | It's Not a Crack House, It's a Crack Home | The Onion | |
| 58 | An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, and for What? | The Onion | |
| 59 | Mongol Warriors Have Sacked and Pillaged the U.S. | The Onion | |
| 60 | A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled by the Pro-Hate Lobby | The Onion | |
| 61 | 80% of Americans Are in Favor of Storming the Castle and Destroying the Inhuman Monster | The Onion | |
| 62 | A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits the Death of a Young Boy | The Onion | |
| 63 | The Face of Jesus Is Seen on a Miracle Hippie | The Onion | |
| 64 | An Ant Is Born | The Onion | |
| 65 | Babies Are Stupid | The Onion | |
| 66 | NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew? | The Onion | |
| 67 | A Coffeehouse Encounter Results in Conversation and Cunnilingus | The Onion | |
| 68 | A Drunken Man Makes an Interesting Point About Society | The Onion | |
| 69 | A Local Masturbator Gets All the Latest Swimwear News on E! | The Onion | |
| 70 | Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Conclusion | The Onion | |